HAKU SAGA!
by Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory
Summary: **Ch2 UP!!! Haku must go out and find the mayonnaise maker of justice, but must first locate his nonexistant possessions. Yes, stupid and pointless, as required.
1. The journey begins

Yep, here we are once again. I had finished off the haku bored project thinking, "Ha! I have beaten the system and freed myself from bondage!" but then I got a lot of people saying that they were angered that the fic had ended, and because of that little red bitch in my chest, I thought, "Ah crap" and then began to sit down and tell the masses that I was beginning the sequel... yes, well this would be it. Longer chapters, longer spurts of randomness, which, of course, calls for LONGER INTROS AND INTROS **TO** THE INTROS!!! It's kinda sad knowing that this is the majority of the people's favorite part of the story... but, that's just how life works. Oh, and to the people who hated 'When Haku Gets Bored' and are cringing at the thought that this new line has come into existance, I just want you to know that God hates you and has damned your soul to the ever lasting fires of hell, and has forsaken you beyond all human comprehension. That's why this is happening to you. Now then, this type of paragraoh is what I'd like to call the 'informative paragraph,' which I normally don't use, but felt necessary for talking about this sequel. Now we get to move on to the **disclaimer paragraph**!!!

This should be the shortest paragraph on this thing. Just wanna say that Haku, the bathhouse, and most of the other stuff in this fic was Miyazaki's creation, not mine. Of course, if it were mine, Chihiro would have been replaced by a lovely door handle, Haku would walk around in either 1) butt tight leather or 2) drag. I'm not sure which. Yubaaba would be replaced with some sexy bishounen who runs the... hmmm... let's say the whore house, to make things interesting. Rin would also be some hot man, and instead of the whole pig thing, people who piss the whore house people off get turned into transvestites. For the rest of the characters not mentioned, they are pieces of toast. Sadly, Spirited Away isn't my creation, so this lovely story plot will never come into play. It's probably for the best, otherwise it would have bombed the box office, and be known as one of the worst animes in history. So, yeah, that's why I don't own Spirited Away, aside from the fact that I'll never have a tenth of the money necessary to buy all legal rights to it. Now, for the intro to the intro.

Yeah, the informative and disclaimer took a while, but they only show on this chapter, and otherwise won't ever be around again, uless I end this and then find myself writing the sequel to the sequel, which I find to be a very scary thought. My inspiration for this chapter came to me yesterday, when I was drawing my comic, which sucks ass, I'll have you know, and an idea popped into my head... not really, but I'll say so anyway. Actually, I don't HAVE inspiration for this fic. It'll probably come to me as I write, but until then I'm screwed cuz I don't even know what my topic is yet. Now then, you've only got one more paragraph to go, unless you're one of those really intellectual types who skipped the long ass paragraphs and went ahead to the story. Otherwise, you guessed it, you have come to the intro!!!

Alright, I started this whole new, 'give me your romance fic and I'll butcher it and post it up' thing, and I got one person's fic, and I still need to put it up, but the fic in and of itself scared the shit out of me. Besides yaoi, which I can cope with usually, it had inscest, making things a bit weird. On top of that, there was pedophilia. So we then had a pedolphiliac incestial yaoi couple, that was totally wrong, not to mention both characters were both OOC. Yes, normally I would handle such things on my own, but then i remembered one person who could butcher this tye of works beyond all measure. This person is my vice god Hoochieman. Hoochieman did a really good job on maming the fic, but there is only one slight problem. It seems that the vice god has a thing gainst Georgians, and had a few too many hic jokes about them (I laughed my ass off at every single one) but i'm not sure the Geaorgia people would be all to appreciative (great, now I'm referring to you guys as a country unto yourselves. Damn you Hoochieman!!) So then, if you're from Georgia, tell me if you would be offended if this was put up, and if you're not from Georgia... er... pretend you are and tell me the same thing. I would also like to throw in really quickly that I got Miyazaki fan's email, and tried sending a reply twice, but each time it came back as undeliverable. I believe your email account is screwed so I'd suggest getting a new one. Yeah, you can be now known as the kid with the messed up email address. Don't worry, though. If you can obsess over such messed up things as the haku bored plot, you're probably a cool person, for most of them like unlogical stuff. This just marks me as a dork. Okay then... onto the fic!!!

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HAKU SAGA!!!

Haku was bored as he had been in previous story plots, but things were going to be different now. Yes, Haku didn't realize it, but fate had something very special in store for him now, feeling that he had suffered enough already. While walking down the bath house floors, Haku heard a voice calling to him, but in a more 'actually there' voice, and not the typical , 'you're a psycopath who's hearing nothing, so pay attention to me' voice. His attention was drawn by some stange force from the closet. He opened the door to find a bucket with very mysterious, shifty eyes.

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Bucket: Good, you have come here at last. I have a mission for you, Haku.

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Haku: Crap, you're the first bucket I ever met with eyes before.

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Bucket: ... you dumbass. Bucket's don't have eyes. You are simply imagining them because you're weird.

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Haku: Oh yeah, I forgot about that!

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Bucket: Yes, you must do a very important, life threatening task for me.

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Haku: Why?

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Bucket: *ponders for a moment* I don't know.... you just do.

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Haku: Oh okay.

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Bucket: I'm glad you're so easily persuaded to throw your life away... Anywho, I need you to go off to far off lands and find for me, the mayonnaise maker of justice!

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Haku: What's it for?

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Bucket: Making jam and cucumbers... you know, your everyday remedies.

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Haku: Right on.

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Bucket: Of course, you will want people to come with you on your journey, so I have summoned the radish spirit and Rin to help you.

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Haku: Wait... I already killed them.

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Bucket: Did you, did you really? Are you sure? Before you answer, remember you are utterley insane, talk to inanimate objects, and get into fights with things that don't even exist. Can you be sure that you really killed them?

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Rin: Oh no, he stabbed me with scissors all right. 

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Haku: So you are dead! HAH!! WHO'S ALL KNOWING NOW?!!!

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Bucket: It's sad that you're comparing your knowledge to that of a bucket's

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Haku: Just out of curiosity... if Rin's dead, then how can she be standing here?

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Bucket: She isn't. It's all in your head.

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Haku: ... great... So, if she's part of my imagination, then wouldn't you be too? You know, being a bucket and all.

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Bucket: Are you saying buckets don't exist? Well I say they do, dammit! Why, if it weren't for my great great grandfather, Scrubbicus Bucketicus the Third, you're silly little bathouse wouldn't have ever learned the meaning of soap suddy water!!

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Haku: That's... er... an awful interesting history you've got there.

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Bucket: Now then, since you are questioning your imagination, I have a question for you. You say you know what does and does not exist, but do you exist, or are you just an imagination from your head?

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Haku: But I never said I knew what does and doesn't exist!

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Bucket: Well I say you did, so shut up.

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Haku: I don't know the answer to your question, for it's rather choppy and hard to follow.

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Bucket: The answer lies within the mayonnaise maker! Seek it out, and learn all.

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Haku: You really want that thing bad, huh?

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Bucket: Dude, I'm a bucket. What the hell would I want a mayonnaise maker for?

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Haku: .... a love muffin?

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Bucket: No... *shifty eyes*

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Haku: Right, I will go on this quest, obtain the mayonnaise maker of... stuff, and claim what is rightfully mine!

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Bucket: Which is nothing.

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Haku: Oh yeah... that really sucks.... IT DOESN'T MATTER!! I WILL NEVER BE OBNOXIOUSLY BORED AGAIN, or at least until tomorrow, or whenever I get back.

And so, our hero then ventured forth to find the mayonnaise maker of... *scrolls up real fast* justice, yeah that's it, and find the answers to his ever complicated questions that cannot be answered by any average messed up being. For a sane person, though, it would be fairly easy, but Haku doesn't fall under the category of sane, now does he? So, now he must get together his possessions and venture forth on his quest!!!

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THE NEXT CHAPTER PREVIEW!!! (started making this to fill you all with antici............................... pation)

Haku is off gathering his stuff, which is practically nothing, getting people to come along with him on this journey, and find the right 'provisions' for his trip. The name of this next, life pending chapter is 'My Love of Butter and Parmesian,' but i'll probably change it, seeing as how these two condements have nothing to do with the next chapter... I just want spaghetti... so wait for the next chapter that probably won't go by the next chapter's title and will be made up on the spot. You won't want to miss it!


	2. The missing crap

Sorry bout taking so long. I was off on an exchange program in Japan, so I haven't been able to get any new stuff up for a while (Miyazaki Fan sounded quite pissed). Anywho, I came back and my mom's pissed cuz I didn't take as many pics as she wanted, didn't write enough, and didn't do enough of this or that. Then my dad's mad cuz he always has to back up my ma, and my sis is mad cuz she complains she doesn't see her boyfriend often enough. Yeah, so I came back to a living hell, and I want to go back... yeah, life sux here. Anywho, in other news, I spent about $500 on a PS2, a few games, and a couple new anime series. Yes, by broadening my horizons, I will now be able to write screwed up fics in many other categories (such as Weiss Kruez). Anway, now that y'all know what's been going on and why I had such a long delay, onto the intro!

I was motivated to write this installment because... I dunno, I was bored and I felt like it. Also, my playstation has been pilfered by my butt munch sister *grumble grumble* I tell her, "GET YOUR ASS OFF MY CRAP YOU CAKA POOPOO!" and she's all, "NO CUZ I'M A BITCH WHO FEELS YOU MUST SUFFER!" Of course, I, in reality, was able to do jack shit, but in my mind I painted the scene that SHOULD have happened. *imagination sequence*

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Me: IMA KILL YOU!!!

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Evil Sister: YEAH, KISS MY ASS!!!

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Me: NO CUZ IT'S DIRTY!

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ES: HA! EVEN IN YOUR IMAGINATION YOU'RE A MORON!

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Me: YOU DON'T KNOW ME!

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ES: UH HUH!

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Me: WELL I DON"T CARE! DIE!!!! *kills ES*

*end imagination sequence* Yes, that's the way it should be, but isn't cuz otherwise I'd be put into jail, and get crappy food for the rest of my life. Yah, now due to the process of elimination, I have decided such a thing would totally bite, therefore my antichrist of a sibling must remain in this ungodly world. Now that you have heard my story of action, love, deception, heartache, grief, struggle, and triumph, lets go to something that people actually **care** about. Onto the long awaited coming of the second installment for this ever stupifying story known as...

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HAKU SAGA!!!

Haku ran up to his room, looking for his possessions which must be packed. He kind of ignored the fact he owned jack shit, and freaked out once he opened the door.

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Haku: SOMEBODY'S STOLEN MY STUFF!!!!!!

Yep, Haku was quite frantic as he ran around the bath house, searching for any clues to the whereabouts of his nonexistent missing stuff. He realized he would not be able to locate his belongings on his own, for he was such a helpless power source, and went off to find somebody that might be able to help him.

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Haku: SOMEBODY FIND MY STUFF!!!

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Voice: I'll help you, oh mindless sexy one!

Haku turned to find none other than a very mysterious bottle of mustard staring back at him in attention. 

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Haku: So... you're gonna find me shit eh?

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Mustard: Yes, me and my friend, the audacious salt shaker can locate your possessions for you.

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Haku: ... do you know the bucket by any chance?

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Mustard: *gasp* You have spoken with HIM?!

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Haku: With who?

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Mustard: Don't act stupid! You said you met the great and powerful bucket of the bath house!

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Haku: Yeah, but he was really rude and said that I was psycho, and that he and all of the other talking inanimate objects were just a product of my imagination.

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Mustard: Er... yeah, that's kinda true there kiddo.

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Haku: I'm not messed up in the head I'M NOT!!!

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Mustard: Sure... Anyway, what I want to know is why the bucket was speaking to you.

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Haku: *bitter* 'Cuz apparently I'm crazy...

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Mustard: Yes yes, besides that.

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Haku; He said that I have to go on a quest for a mayonnaise maker or something.

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Mustard: *double gasp* THE SACRED MAYONNAISE MAKER??!!!

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Haku: Was it sacred? I can't remember... (Obviously the author doesn't either)

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Mustard: Well, no matter. If you are on a quest to find such a magical, powerful item, then I MUST help you!

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Haku: Why is it so great, other than the fact it makes worthless junk that no one needs?

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Mustard: Actually... that's about it!

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Haku: Oh... And why hasn't your salt shaker friend said anything yet?

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Mustard: Oh come off it man! I mean, have you ever heard of of salt shaker talking?! Quite impossible, I dare say!

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Haku: I guess so.

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Mustard: Nah, my friend here don't talk, but he's great for a jolly game of backgammon!

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Haku: How do you play?

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Mustard: I dunno. Why do you think he beats me so often?

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Haku: You know... you aren't the most motivational imaginary character, are you?

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Mustard: Oh shut up! Now on to finding that there crap you're missing. Please describe your posessions to my salty assistant.

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Salt Shaker: *takes out notepad*

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Haku: Well, it was a... thing, and it was sort of an.. air color, and it doesn't make sound.

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Musard: Ah, I see. May I have your deduction, Mr. Salt?

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Salt Shaker: *hands him notepad*

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Mustard: Hmmm... so someone has stolen your scooter. No worries, We'll get it back for you!

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Haku: So that's what I lost... This whole time I couldn't remember...

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Mustard: Yes yes, no need to thank us. Now, we must head off in search of the missing item!

The mustard bottle and the salt shaker then ran off out of site. Haku, happy to know what he had lost (even though he hadn't) decided he would go off and celebrate with a nummy tuna sandwich with ice cream on top. Little did he know what would await him there...

Yeah, I'm leaving it there because, obviously, I'm not very motivated right now. Don't worry, I promise I'll try to actually make it funny next chapter. This one just came out kind of badly. Anyway, yeah, the game music from my television distracts me. Next time I'll make sure my sister is locked in a straight jacket and unable to reach my beloved console. Until then though, I shall retire. Ja!


End file.
